not

Just plain NOT.  That is how I am feeling today.  I do NOT have any energy.  I have NOT done much today.  I am NOT ready for my mom to come in two days. I canNOT take the meds that they have given me for pain...makes me too sick.  I do NOT really seem to care about all of these NOTs.

My poor mom is going to come in two days and see my messy house.  Right now there is not even furniture in the room she is suppose to be sleeping in.  The bathroom she is suppose to use is in chaos right now.  Matt has all the painting stuff in there....not sure how I am going to be able to get the tub clean enough.  Once we get the furniture in, I still have to get the bed made (after washing the sheets and blankets) and all the decor up.  At least I know where everything is going to go.

Maybe I should wrap presents .... I suppose I should get up to do that now.  I really have no energy to do that either.  I think I will just take a sleeping pill and go to sleep.  Maybe I will get up early and do some stuff. Ha Ha Ha.  Me up early?  I am going to have to make myself do that because I am going to let myself be consumed by self pity tonight.  Matt is out doing wrestling and the boys are sleeping.  Time to eat chocolate and go to bed.

Explain to Me

Quick background...I have Ehlers-danlos.  It is a collagen disorder that causes massive joint issues.  The ligaments do not repair themselves.  Most people do things everyday using their extremities with no problem...ligaments are stretched and get repaired on a daily basis.  Me, I use the ligaments and they never repair and if they do, it is at an extremely slow rate.  I spent years pulling and stretching them while I was in the service and now I am paying the price.  I have to be extremely careful how I move my body.  I have dislocate my shoulder just picking up my kids.  Now it is so bad, that I dislocated it today just picking up bags of groceries to bring into the house.  My muscles are what really keep my body together. I take some sort of pain medication daily (mostly at night) to combat the pain. I have talked to all of my doctors and we have decided that because I will always have pain and it will get worse as life goes, we are trying all of the low dose non-narcotic drugs first.  Having said all of that.......

I went to see a new primary care doctor about 6 weeks ago.  We discussed my pain meds.  I was taking tramadol, which was not working very well.  It kinda working on the pain, but the side effects were miserable.  I was having massive hot flashes and insomnia.  I was putting up with the side effects to have some pain relief.  The doctor changed my pain med, hoping we could have some relief without the side effects.  Mind you, I had to explain my condition to the doc.  She had never even heard of it.  She recommended that I stop taking tramadol and start taking baclofen.  Well....I decided I would try it, even though I was leery about it.  Baclofen is a muscle relaxer.  Does it make sense to any of you for me to take a muscle relaxer when my muscles are what keep my body together?  Like I said, I thought I would try it.  I was taking it just at night when I was having a hard day.  I did alright then.  It actually helped a bit, kinda made sense for my body to relax while I was sleeping.

Today, however, I changed that routine.  I went to Walmart and picked up a present for the kids from my brother.  It was really heavy and awkward.  I came home and decided to take one of those muscle relaxers to help with the pain in my shoulder.  I laid down and tried to nap.  I did alright until I tried to roll over.  Out popped my shoulder again, then my hip and knee.  Pain sucks.  It makes total sense that this would happen.  If muscles are what are keeping me together....it would make sense that if you relax the muscles, the joints will not stay in place properly.  Duh...my fault for saying I would try these.  I already know that I have to take charge of my medical status.  Why did I let her tell me to do this?

I think I shall consult with my family pharmacist (Amy) to see what she might recommend.  I know that it will be a bit of trial and error, but I will not let them give me another muscle relaxer.

I am thankful to God everyday just to be alive and spend time with my fabulous family.

I took one of those

Disclaimer

To those of you who read my blog.  I would like to add a disclaimer.  I post here because this is where I get to write my thoughts and feelings.  As I post, I make sure not to use names.  Having said that....I do post about things that are currently happening in my life.  So, as with any post it is my point of view on what is going on and what is happening around me.  I am sure that others have a different view.  Most intelligent people would understand that this is my point of view and others may look at the same situation differently.

For most of you this is not necessary. But to those of you who have a problem with what I write, please keep this disclaimer in mind as you read.  Otherwise, if you do not like what I have written....DO NOT READ IT.

So Angry

There are very few times that I have been as angry as I am now.

This is a short background and a little cryptic.  I just cannot keep my anger to myself and I am sorry if those of you who do not know already think this might be too much information.  I will try to handle it discretely.

While I was in the service, I was sent TDY to Korea for 2 weeks.  While I was there, there was an "indecent."  I reported it and followed all the right protocol.  The military handled it very badly all the way around.  It was awful, not only what happened, but the following aftermath as well.

I filed a claim with the Veteran's Affairs Administration for compensation.  I sent them my statement and those of others.  It is there responsibility to get all the military documentation.  I filed this claim in January.  I just got a letter in the mail stating that they cannot obtain the ER report from Korea.  They wanted me to send them my copy.  Really?  Who would be int their right mind to think about asking for a copy of the report?  I am totally dumbfounded.  I am the one who was assaulted and I am responsible for taking care of everything.  I know it is the military, but really?  I am at a complete lose and I shouldn't be.  It is not like the military has not screwed me over in the past.  They gave me some of my best memories and some of my worst.

I am so angry that I am almost at a loss for words.  Uh is about all I can say.

I am really hoping that there is enough other information available and statements from friends and family that they believe me.  I am so tired of people not believing that this happened.  At the time it was a total nightmare. They actually tried to court martial me and now, they are about to say it never happened.

ANGRY

sleepy

My poor body is so tired.   I just want to got to sleep.  I went to bed early last night, but rolled around not actually sleeping.  I worked around the house a little this morning and they laid down to take a nap.  I did not sleep during nap time.  I rolled around and rolled around again.  I was on the couch for almost 2 hours.   I seem to have to go to the bathroom every time I rolled over.  I think it must be something with some of my medications.  I know that it is a side effect of one of them, but I cannot do this.  It is no wonder I have been having headaches.  The fluid I am putting in my body is not staying there.  I am afraid to drink more....I may never get out of the bathroom then.

Done whining.  My little man Ben is a riot.  We were going to pick Max up from school yesterday and on the way he was singing....."If your happy in your nose, clap your hands.  If your happy in your nose, clap your hands."   It was awesome.

This morning Max was talking about a foot.  I told him that a foot was 12 inches long.  He did not get it when he measured his foot and it was not 12 inches.

Despite all the hardships in my life and all the aches and pains, my family does lift me up.  They are wonderful.

Keep your fingers crossed I might sleep tonight.  We have swim lessons at 6, hopefully the boys will be ready to go to bed when we get home.  That means I will have a few minutes to get a few more things cleaned up and then I can go to bed early.

uh

I am sitting here tonight feeling a bit blah.  It has been a long day  I have to say that nothing has really happened. i had a hard time falling asleep last night, so it was after 1 before that happened.  Then the smoke detector battery died around 5.  So, I have been up since then.  The boys have been good.  Max went to school all day and Ben went this morning.

My body is reacting to all the work I did earlier this week.  Sucks when your body cannot keep up with your ambition.